Monday, March 31, 2008

'Roid Rage


Above: Roger Clemens unsuccessfully tries to convince reporters he does not use steroids.

In a surprise development, professional baseball player Roger Clemens attacked a man who was testing him for steroid use in a fit of rage. During a hastily organized press conference, Clemens reiterated to reporters that he has never taken performance enhancing drugs. In an unrelated incident, Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees threw a tractor across the Mississippi River.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Job Opportunity


Bank of India, one of India's premier banks, is currently looking to hire talented / well-connected individuals with a drive to succeed / disproportionately influential uncle. If you are interested, check out the recruitment brochure here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Etymology: "Raincheck"


The term "raincheck" is derived from the Middle Spanish verb rainchequar (meaning to never pay back), as in the phrase "Yo raincheqo a tu madre."

Fun Fact

According to the 2008 Sports Illustrated Almanac, the Duke University Men's Basketball team is now officially the best-paid professional sports team in the nation. According to the almanac, the Duke Basketball program "...makes the New York Yankees look like they're run by the Sisters of Charity."

Pictured below is Jon Von Somson, a High School All-American celebrating his commitment to the Duke Basketball team with his "financial aid package."

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Breaking News

In a stunning development, the production of 'Lou Dobbs Tonight' has been outsourced to Balaji Telefilms in Bangalore, India. In a prepared statement, a CNN spokeswoman announced that "...while the show will retain its title and highly xenophobic slant, Lou Dobbs will be replaced as host by a random Indian dude."

Our sources have revealed that the decision to outsource production of 'Lou Dobbs Tonight' was driven primarily by the potential for cost savings. While Dobbs' annual salary was $800,000, the random Indian dude will reportedly rake in Rs. 150 and a complimentary masala chai daily.

From Zero to Hero to Zero: The Story of Fevaraju

Parthasarthy Fevaraju is a living legend. His life story is simultaneously a testament to the possibility of dreams coming true, as well as the possibility of movies causing severe emotional distress. As a self-proclaimed "superfan" of Fevaraju, I have written an extensive biography of him, which you can check out here.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Tony Blair's New Career

On June 27, 2007, Tony Blair's final term as Prime Minister of the UK ended. Many people have been wondering how The Right Honourable Mr. Blair has been occupying himself since then. I have evidence that Blair is working on a rock music album, to be released soon. Check out the album cover here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Crest Toothpaste, Circa 1537

I recently saw trailers for the film "The Other Boleyn Sister" on TV. It got me thinking- there are so many movies set in the past, with really modern, attractive-looking actors and actresses playing the roles. However, during these periods in history, people didn't look too fondly towards bathing, brushing teeth, or anything resembling personal hygiene. Adding rotting teeth, bad breath, and serious 16th-century B.O. to these historical films would make them much more interesting. So, in summary, this is what the new trailer for "The Other Boleyn Sister" should look like.




Given the unpopularity of bathing in 17th-century France, this is what Leonardo di Caprio's character from "Man In The Iron Mask" would have really looked like- with his mask off, but thick layer of facial dirt on.