World's Worst Boss

Seen below are photos of two of my employees, along with what I was saying to them as the photos were taken.


"Hey! Remember, I still need those comps tables by tonight!"


"You're in my chair."

New Olympic Sport

Corruption will be introduced as an Olympic sport, starting with the 2008 Summer Olympic games in Beijing, China. The International Olympic Committee decided in 2002 that only eleven nations would compete in the 2008 tournament, although twelve nations are sending teams to Beijing to compete for the team gold medal (the Sri Lankan team bribed Chinese officials).

Each nation held its own domestic tournament to select the most corrupt, dishonest, and degenerate people who would represent their country in Beijing. For example, in the Philippines, the national team tryouts involved getting stopped by a traffic policeman, and seeing who could bribe their way out of paying the ticket using the least amount of cash. The U.S. National Team consists of Dick Cheney's T-Mobile Fave 5. In India, officials simply picked up the first few people they saw.

"ESPN Play Of The Week"
The inclusion of corruption as an official Olympic event has caused the sport's popularity to skyrocket worldwide. This has been especially evident in the United States. Modeled on the And1 MixTape Basketball Tour, the Evian Corruption MixTape Tour will be traveling across North America this Summer. In each city the tour stops, it will rob the local community of their retirement funds and give money to the local Republican Party office. Currently, the players on the Evian tour include:

* Goldin Parashoot
* Kredit Derivativ
* Insidah Tradezz
* C-Mless Webb
* Halliburt Reynolds
* UChicago Dreamz
* DJ Neoclassical-Economics

Latest Celebrity Gossip

"You know, you look gorgeous today...HOOOOAAAAAH!"
Yesterday, a woman was rushed to the NY Eye & Ear Infirmary after going on a date with Al Pacino. According to the woman's family, the couple was dining at a restaurant in the Lower East Side. Pacino had tried whispering 'sweet nothings' in the woman's ear, at which point her eardrums started bleeding and she was knocked unconscious by the volume of Pacino's voice.

Vault Guide To Finance Interviews

We all want that dream job, right? The one that you really enjoy, and that also pays well. In the meanwhile, we usually look for finance jobs. In order to help you in your quest, the people at Vault have put out a guide for finance interviewing. You can check out the guide free of charge here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

CNBC Financial News Update

Breaking News: I'm an idiot.

BREAKING NEWS: S&P 500 up 12 out of the past 89 Thursdays that fall on an even- numbered date.

CNBC URGENT ALERT: China and India have lots of people.

ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION: Today is Wednesday.

CNBC NEWSBREAK: Jim Cramer gives rabies to a wild dog.

World's Worst Dad

Hi, I'm an avid reader of this blog. Just kidding. Anyway, I happened upon the column entitled 'World's Worst Boss' recently. I can really identify with the column's author, because I myself am the self-proclaimed 'World's Worst Dad'. If you don't believe me, check out the photograph below of my son, along with a quote of what I was saying to him as the photo was taken.

-Darth V.

"Hey, stop whining and go get me some coffee and donuts with sprinkles."

Employee Handbook

Several weeks ago, we reported that Bank of India, one of India's premier banks, was looking to hire for its retail banking operations. For those of you who were successful in being hired, you can check out the Bank Of India Employee Handbook here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

World's Worst Boss

Dear Analyst,

Tweet. Tweet. Do you know what that sound is? It’s the sound of the birds singing their sweet tune in my ears. Man, it’s so beautiful here in Ibiza, Spain. The sun is like a golden amulet, spreading its rays over the entire island. I wish you were here. Just kidding, I don’t.

I can’t tell where the ocean begins and the sky ends here. But I can tell you when you’re free time ends- right now. Get up off your lazy a--, I need you to build me a model by tonight. Whoa! Sorry, I just had a flashback to when I used to have your job 20 years ago. It sucked pretty bad. LOL

P.S. I wanna fight you so bad right now.

[Sent from my Blackberry handheld]

Return Of The Epic Romantic Comedy

On June 6, the epic romantic comedy 'Mongol' will be released in theaters across the U.S. 'Mongol' tells the tale of the bloody rise to power of Genghis Khan, and provides an insight into the brutality of 12th Century warfare; it is widely expected to be the feel-good movie of the year.

Critics agree that 'Mongol' is a surpisingly enjoyable romantic comedy, especially when you consider that the film was a joint-production between the nations of Germany, Russia, Kazakhstan, and Mongolia- widely considered to be the four least romantic countries on the face of the Earth.

At a special screening a few weeks ago, prominent figures in the Hollywood rom-com scene had good things to say about 'Mongol'. Acclaimed director Rob Reiner remarked that the film was "...shocking", and "...I tried to escape from my seat multiple times." Jon Cusack stood up during the middle of the movie and awkwardly held a boombox in the air. Meg Ryan, often regarded as the 'Queen of Romantic Comedies', collapsed due to shock when she saw the film.


Jon Cusack awkwardly applauds 'Mongol' during a special screening.

Entertainment News: Casting For Hobbit Film Begins

Above Left: Michael Clarke Duncan; Above Right: Bilbo Baggins with nephew.


The latest rumors from Hollywood indicate that Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile, The Whole Nine Yards) has been cast by Director Peter Jackson for the title role in the film The Hobbit. When asked to comment on the rumors, Duncan told reporters, “…well, my nickname in high school was Bilbo Baggins, so this is pretty cool.”

Production is slated to begin next year, although reports are already indicating that ‘The Hobbit’ will be the most expensive movie ever made. The estimated cost of constructing the elaborate sets in the movie is put at $15 million, while the actors’ salaries are projected to total $30 million. The sophisticated computer-generated graphics required to make Michael Clarke Duncan appear as a whimsical, hairy forest creature on-screen will most likely cost $1 Billion. As a side note, Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense) confirmed to ‘Give My Compliments To The Chef’ that he is hopeful of landing the role of Gandalf in the movie.

Etymology: "Analyst"

Above: An analyst who "can't take it anymore" goes insane.


An analyst [ān'e-lĭst] is the title of a junior employee at a financial/consulting firm. The exact origin of the word is under contention- some etymologists believe it is derived from the Sanskrit verb annalisna (“to be trapped in a cave”), while others believe the word comes from the name Al-Analyziq, a town square in medieval Damascus where twenty-two year olds would frequently gather to complain about their jobs.

Analysts first began appearing during the 11th Century in what is modern day Istanbul; traders and businessmen began dumping work on their subordinates, and then ran to the fields where they would tell jokes and eat figs. It was only around the 13th Century that it became popular to give analysts unreasonable and unnecessary work. According to a story told by famous medieval Turkish soothsayer (and former analyst) Iskubee Du, “…when I was an analyst, my first assignment was to handwrite a full report of Turkish military strength by nightfall the same day. There was only one problem- I was illiterate.”

When the concept of an 'analyst' was still in its infancy, bosses across the medieval world searched for creative ways in which they could use these talented individuals. One of the more popular tasks assigned to analysts during the 14th - 15th Centuries was taste-checking food for deadly poisons. While this practice has (for the most part) been discontinued, analysts are generally still forced to drink Flavia coffee (See separate entry below).

New Column: World's Worst Boss

Hi, I’m the worst boss on the face of the Earth. I’ve recently joined the writing staff of this blog, and I’ll be periodically updating readers on the world as seen from the perspective of the worst boss. Ever.

Seen below are photos of two of my employees, along with what I said to each of them at that moment.


"Look at me when I’m talking to you."



"Ahh, you must have just read my performance review of you."

Breaking News: McCain Taps Zack de la Rocha As Running Mate

In a surprise development, Republican Party presidential candidate John McCain has announced that Zack de la Rocha, the lead singer of politically charged rock group ‘Rage Against The Machine’, will be his running mate during the general election campaign.

By choosing to run with de la Rocha, McCain’s strategy seems to be focused on completely alienating his core base of supporters. This was evident at a recent fundraising event for McCain at the DeMantha Senior Citizens Home in Topeka, Kansas, where Zack de la Rocha proclaimed, “Ugggh! Black flag and red star, long live the Zapatista Revolución in Chiapas, Mexico. This is for the people of the sun.“ After the fiery speech, one member of the audience gave de la Rocha a standing ovation (we later discovered he was deaf), and McCain’s campaign advisor fainted.

While political pundits view this as a highly unusual choice by McCain, this is not an unforeseen situation. Over the past year, de la Rocha’s opinion of McCain has drastically improved. On April 3, 2007, Zack de la Rocha said of McCain, “I hate John McCain.” Compare this with his interview with Reuters one week ago, where he stated, “Rally ‘round the family, with a pocket full of shells! Ugggh! John McCain, know your enemy”. Nevertheless, de la Rocha is still opposed to both NAFTA and government oppression of human rights, and these remain two significant points of difference with Republican Party stalwarts.

Latest Entertainment News

MTV Networks has just announced the launch of a new channel, RSTV (‘Reality Show Television’). The daily programming breakdown on RSTV will be as follows:

~ 23 hours of music videos totally unrelated to the reality show genre
~ 1 hour of reality shows, shown from 3:30AM to 4:30AM

Flavia- The Café of Choice

Anyone who's ever worked in a corporate setting in America is probably familiar with Flavia. Millions of office-goers each day use Flavia's signature machine and flavor-pouches, in conjunction with their wildest imagination, to pretend that they're actually drinking coffee. I recently visited the Flavia coffee laboratory in Cambodia, and learned that the following flavors will be introduced soon:

~ Borscht
~ Success
~ Spicy Diesel
~ Partially-Hydrogenated Soybean Oil
~ Ethiopian Nightmare
~ [Insert Country With Political Instability] Decaf
~ Absynthe (Not available in the U.S.)
~ Caffeine-Induced Rage
~ Brown Water

America's Best Political Team

Raised by wolves...Nursed to adolescence by coyotes...Trusted by America.

What do you get when you combine raw canine ferocity with the inability to speak in more than one tone? Great journalism. That was CNN's thought process when they hired Wolf Blitzer in 1990. While most viewers of his show believe Blitzer to be relatively subdued in nature, it is a little known fact that CNN producers actually tranquilize him before every taping. This is in order to prevent a repeat of the infamous 1994 episode when Blitzer bit actor Gene Hackman's ankle during an interview, and then buried a bone in the CNN studios.

Wolf Blitzer will be signing copies of his biography, "The Jungle Book" by Rudyard Kipling, at the Union Square Barnes & Noble on Monday, April 7, 2008. All proceeds will benefit Wolf Blitzer's voracious appetite for medium-rare venison.

Metro-North Advertisements Revealed

This is an exclusive for "Give My Compliments To The Chef". Our inside sources within New York City's Metropolitan Transportation Authority have acquired soon-to-be-released advertisements for the Metro-North railroad. These ads are part of Metro-North's re-branding, an effort which, according to every single passenger that has ever used Metro-North, "doomed to fail".