'Roid Rage

Above: Roger Clemens unsuccessfully tries to convince reporters he does not use steroids.

In a surprise development, professional baseball player Roger Clemens attacked a man who was testing him for steroid use in a fit of rage. During a hastily organized press conference, Clemens reiterated to reporters that he has never taken performance enhancing drugs. In an unrelated incident, Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees threw a tractor across the Mississippi River.