Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Entertainment News


Rolling Stone magazine recently reported that Trent Reznor, the frontman of heavy metal band 'Nine Inch Nails', and the country music group Dixie Chicks are joining forces to create a new band. It will be called 'Extremely Unlikely Scenario'.

Interesting Trivia: The band's name is a reference to a conversation its members had recently about the likelihood of them staying together for more than a week.

Record executives feel that the new band will cater to a very lucrative, niche segment of the music market. "There are a lot of people out there who attend Dixie Chicks concerts, and end up getting the urge to throw Molotov cocktails at law enforcement, tip portable toilets over, and vandalize public property with reckless abandon. E.U.S. will cater to these people," says Skippy "Skip" McGee of Interscope Records.

The band's first studio album will be recorded soon, and will be entitled "F--- Authority / White Roses Are Beautiful".

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Financial Crisis and Its Effect On College Recruiting

The crisis on Wall Street is being felt around the world. Its effects are especially hitting home with students at universities across the U.S., where on-campus recruiting by large investment banks has all but ceased for the current year. GMCTTC recently traveled to the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, in order to gauge the mood of students.

What we found was disturbing. The previously swank On-Campus Recruiting Office had been reduced to something like a wildlife sanctuary, with Economics majors and finance concentrators skulking around like hungry bandicoots in search of food. "I've been following a three part interview process- fit questions, brainteasers, and ending with a tranquilizer shot to the candidate's femur," said Jon Von Somson, an M.D. at Lazard and one of the few people still recruiting for finance jobs this year. As a sidenote, Mr. Von Somson is a well-known d-bag.


Students requesting a business card from a recruiter.


Stories have been circulating around campus of desperate students being driven into acts of sabotage, in order to secure jobs. As I walked along Locust Walk, I witnessed a student roll up a Financial Times newspaper and use it to shoot a poison dart at his roommate. "I've started packing up my suit and changing into it at the actual interview site. If I'm seen wearing a tie around campus, there's a 70% chance I'll be attacked by a fellow student. It's like being a minority at an LAPD Police Station," says Rodney King, a Junior at Penn.


"Dude, I wish you hadn't told me you have an interview today."

Financial Models

Moody's and S&P recently revealed the sophisticated financial models they've been using to value mortgage-backed securities (MBS):

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Paulson's New Pointman For Bailout


"The government will be investing in senior preferred stock."

Monday, October 13, 2008

South Asian Pickup Lines

Boy: Damn, girl. Eid Mubarak.
Girl: Uh, it's not Eid.
Boy: Really? Because my eyes haven't feasted on your fine self for 30 days.


Boy: Girl, you remind me of a bakra (goat) that I once milked. It was cute, and so were its kids.
Girl: (Silence)


Boy: I have a Green Card. Pick you up at 8?


Boy: Damn, you look like you need to cool off.
Girl: (Silence)
Boy: Did I mention I have running cold water from a bore well?


Boy: Hey! Your biodata is acceptable to my family. You have 3 days to respond to my proposal.


Boy: Damn girl. You look like Mahatma Gandhi. And I'm wery patriotic...


Boy: I am attended a English mediums school. Therefore, educationing is deweloped by my brain. Success. You are a smart?


Boy: Girl, show me those ankles.
Girl: I'm not a girl.
Boy: (Awkward)


Boy: Hey, you know, I'm not that into domestic wiolence as you are thinking.
Girl: (Calling the police)


Boy: Hey, infant.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Bloodbath in Korean Stock Market

The Korean stock market index, KOSPI, was down 12.6% over the last week. Equity traders were seen hoarding minerals and Vespene gas into battlecruisers.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

You're Fired...In A Good Way

Now that the U.S. Economy is in a free-fall spiral downwards, companies are looking to fire people more than ever. But what if they want to let people go, without hurting their feelings? A creative way to tell people they're fired is to tell them they've gotten a job that is entirely fictional. Here are some examples:

"Congrats, I've heard you've been hired as..."

* "...Switzerland's Army General."
* "...Hank Paulson's hair stylist."
* "...Minister of Human Rights, China."
* "...a non-racist LAPD officer."
* "...an Indian Railways bathroom cleaner."
* "...the Pakistani Prime Minister."
* "...Sarah Palin's newspaper delivery boy."
* "...a minority in the Republican Party."

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

McCain '08 Campaign Flyer


My friends, this is John McCain. I'm a maverick, and I have been my entire life. I was a maverick back in 1912, when my home state of Arizona was first admitted to the Union. Senator Obama, being a junior Senator from his state of Illinois, is not experienced enough to serve as Commander-in-Chief. I, on the other hand, have a proven track record of service in my state:

- Foreign Diplomacy: Involved in negotiations for the Gadsden Purchase, which resulted in the U.S. purchasing southern Arizona from Mexico in 1853.

- Environment: Stood with President Teddy Roosevelt in his push to designate the Grand Canyon area as a national park.

- Economy: Helped cotton farmers and copper miners during the Great Depression.

- Little Known Fact: Abraham Lincoln was my godson.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

CEO Election Campaigns

What if CEOs of Wall Street firms had to campaign for re-election to their jobs...?

The New Codetalkers

The U.S. Marine Corps recently announced it is reinstating the 'Codetalkers' program used in World Wars I and II. This time, however, instead of utilizing Native American speakers, the Marines are planning to tap a much larger group of individuals- F.O.B. Math and Physics teaching assistants.

In World War II, a code based on the Navajo language was used to communicate because Navajo is nearly impossible to learn and gain full fluency for non-native speakers, and because it is unrelated to most other languages on Earth. "...And those are pretty much the exact same reasons why we're gonna use these TA's," says Lt. General Skippy McGee.

Foreign-born Teaching Assistants are known to boggle the minds of undergraduate students at U.S. universities, with their unusual accents, creative grammatical errors, and total lack of understanding of the concept of 'personal space'. When asked to comment on his recruitment as a code-talker, University of Rhode Island Mathematics TA Rajendra Modi had this to say: "I am refused to dewelop this nature, succumbing to this, and in case, howewer to say, this country is a beetful and lowely experience. When in Rome."

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Their Photo Albums

John McCain
-- -- -- --

"Yours truly at Mississippi Debate."



"My first car."



"That was a mistake."


Sarah Palin
-- -- -- --

"My First Foreign Policy Tour."



"Debate prep."



"Biggest political opponent back home."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This Month's Issue

Can You Tell The Difference, Yaar?

In a modern-day political twist to the Coke-Pepsi taste test, GMCTTC is holding a contest, "Can You Tell The Difference, Yaar?" In the picture below, one of the men is Indian, while the other is Pakistani. If you can tell which one is which, you'll win a one way flight to either Karachi (Pakistan) or Mumbai (India). It doesn't really matter which one, because either way you'll get diarrhea, robbed, molested on a bus, and stared at by smelly South Asian dudes.

New Bank Advertisements

Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley recently announced they had filed applications to commence commercial banking operations. In order to promote their new retail bank services, the firms are releasing the following ads:





Sarah Palin at the United Nations


"Hi, are you the Prime Minister of India?"

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Awengers

Marvel Comics has recently announced the creation of an India-specific superhero gang, "The Awengers", on which a new comic book series will be based. The group, which is loosely based on the popular "Avengers" superhero gang, is composed of the following characters:

* Rickshaw-wallah- Getting into his autorickshaw is a deadly mistake for foes...as well as friends.

* Green Goblin- He has a Green Card. Enough said.

* MBBS Woman- She's a doctor, which makes her a superhero by default in South Asian society.

* Indian Railways Bathroom Cleaner- His job title doesn't exist, so he has lots of free time to strategize and plan the group's next move.

* Polly Tix- She's a politician, and her superpower is corruption. She actually bribed her mother to go into labor two weeks later than scheduled, just so she could chill in the womb for a while.

Marvel Comics reportedly thought about adding a sixth member of the Awengers, "Viviacious Vivender", whose superpower was reported to be the ability to pronounce the letter 'V'. Unfortunately, Marvel artists felt this was too unrealistic to be beliewable.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

World's Worst Pickup Lines

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."


"Those are beautiful earrings. Do you mind if I take a closer look?"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

'The Incredible Hulk' Finishes Weekend As #1 Movie

This is Jason Giambi's second major film role, after 1998's "Godzilla".

Marvel Studios' latest film, 'The Incredible Hulk', ruled the domestic box office this past weekend, pulling in over $55 million in ticket sales. While audiences have been impressed by the apparent "computer generated effects" in 'The Incredible Hulk', Marvel Studios CEO Michael Helfant let GMCTTC in on a little secret. "While Bruce Banner in human form was played by Ed Norton, for all of the scenes with the Hulk character, we simply brought in Jason Giambi from the New York Yankees, and spray-painted his body green," says Helfant. According to sources inside Marvel Studios, Roger Clemens also auditioned for the role of the Hulk. When Clemens learned that Giambi had gotten the part, he allegedly ripped a Giant Sequoia tree out of the ground in anger.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

New Law School Opens in D.C.

This week, the Ariel Sharon School of Human Rights Law was officially opened in Washington, D.C. The school (Accreditations: Indian Police Service, The Office of Dick Cheney) is currently accepting applications for its Class of 2011. A preliminary list of classes being offered is provided below:

* I Also Have A Dream: Why Rodney King Was Guilty- Fmr. Detective Mark Fuhrman

* Habeas Corpus and Other Optional Rules- Fmr. Attorney General John Ashcroft

* Modern Day Fiction: From 'Geneva Convention' to Michael Crichton

* A History of Legal Philosophy- Fmr. South African Minister of Law & Order Adriaan Vlok (There will be assigned seating)

* Field Trip to Guantanamo Bay- 18 spots available (Only 7 for the return trip)

* Introduction to Art- Final project: Making a doormat using the UN Declaration of Human Rights

* Gender Equality & Women's Rights- Mike Tyson (Summer '08) / Ike Turner (Fall '08)

Monday, June 2, 2008

Politician Lauded For Honest Campaigning

In the Muzaffarpur district of Bihar, India, a man has gained immense popularity for running a political campaign based on honesty. In a political scene where deception and lies are the norm rather than the exception, B.S. Crapwallah has emerged as a shining beacon of hope for the people of his district. While running for the local parliamentary seat, Crapwallah has communicated the truth to voters, instead of simply stating what he knows voters will want to hear. The following are copies of Crapwallah's campaign posters, which can be found plastered on walls, buildings, and hospital beds throughout the Muzaffarpur district:





Thursday, May 29, 2008

World's Worst Boss

"Dude, you look pretty hungry. You should try the new Japanese place on SeamlessWeb, so delicious. By the way, it's not casual Friday."

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Zagat Review: 'License To Il'


'License To Il' is the latest Korean barbecue (gogi gui) restaurant to hit Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. As with all Korean barbecue establishments, the eating experience at 'License To Il' is highlighted by diners actually grilling the meat and vegetables themselves at their tables. The restaurant's owner, Singman Rhee, mentioned that 'License To Il' differentiates itself from other Korean barbecue restaurants by offering a premium dining package, whereby diners can stay at home and prepare their own meals using their own ingredients. Then, they can wire-transfer money into Rhee's bank account, as payment for doing absolutely nothing.

As a sidenote, 'License To Il' has only one chef, who incidentally lives in Seoul, South Korea. He neither has, nor ever will, visit the restaurant.

Ratings:
--- --- --- ---
Food: * (Can vary widely from 'delicious' to 'Salmonella poisoning', depending on sobriety of your dining companions)
Service: N/A (The waiter visits your table once, to dump raw meat on it)
Decor: *** (The poster which lists all Starcraft cheat codes gives an authentic Korean feel)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Nostradamus' Diary Found

Archaeologists in Southern France have announced that they have uncovered the personal diary of famed seer Nostradamus. The author of Les Propheties, Nostrodamus is admired by many for having possessed what they believe to be the power to predict the future. However, his personal diary reveals that the man was not entirely at peace with his power. The following are excerpts from Nostrodamus' diary:

* "I was not a fan of knowing that my kids would hate me, ten years before they were even born."

* "'The Sixth Sense' and 'The Usual Suspects' sucked for me. Bruce Willis? Dude, I totally called that!"

* "...at the age of seven, I predicted that I would grow a huge, grey beard and look like a total jackass when I grew up. Unfortunately, it came true. I'm that good."

* "As a young man, I found dating to be awkward and difficult. My powers would get in the way of having normal conversations with women. For example, I recall one first date where I said to the girl, 'Hey, I know this fantastic bistro in Saint Remy, we should check it out. By the way, you're gonna die before your 25th birthday.'"

Monday, May 12, 2008

There's No Wrong Way To Eat A Reese's

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are one of the most popular chocolate candies on the market, and much of it's popularity has been generated through its popular ads. GMCTTC has recently acquired the next batch of advertisements, that are due to be released under the "How Do You Eat Your Reese's?" ad campaign.




Children's Names

New York City is a truly special place, and New Yorkers have many different ways of showing their love for the Big Apple. For some, this love takes the form of naming their daughter after a distinctive New York neighborhood. 'Parenting' magazine recently came out with its list of the best, and worst, NYC neighborhoods to name your daughter after:


Best Names
----------
1.) Astoria
2.) Chelsea
3.) Nolita

Worst Names
-----------
1.) SoHo
2.) Meatpacking District
3.) Hell's Kitchen
4.) Throgs Neck

New Guinness World Record

The Guinness World Records organization recently announced that South Africa has broken the record for the world's most concise criminal code. South Africa's criminal code consists of a single phrase, "White => Innocent". The previous record-holder was the nation of Bangladesh, whose criminal code is "Coming Soon. Good luck!"

In an unrelated development, two South African producers are planning to remake the 1999 film 'The Hurricane' (starring Denzel Washington) in Afrikaans. It will be called, 'Guilty, Guilty, Guilty'.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

NYC's Hottest Club Opens To Rave Reviews

Bouncer at DFM (right) debates a cover charge with patron (left).

'Dhaka Fish Market' opened on Friday in New York City's Meatpacking District, joining the ranks of Marquis, Pink Elephant, and the city's other ultra-exclusive clubs/lounges. 'Dhaka Fish Market' was designed with the theme of an overcrowded, horrible-smelling South Asian fish market, and is expected to redefine the nightclub experience for New York's elite crowd.

The club's owner, Pidharan Sridharan, has been working tirelessly to ensure the smooth launch of his new project. "When I opened DFM, I intended for it to be exclusive. And when I say exclusive, I mean no one is allowed into the club, ever. Not even me. No human is allowed into the building."

While this may sound unusual to many readers, the city's clubgoing crowd is full of praises for 'Dhaka Fish Market'. As one irrational patron explains, "DFM is the sickest club! First of all, they don't allow anyone inside! So baller! Also, the sidewalk in front of the club is the place to see and be seen in New York. That's why you have to pay a $50 cover charge just to stand outside the club. Anyone who is anyone can be seen begging bouncers to let them in, and scraping their dignity off of the pavement."

Pidharan, a.k.a. Pedey, the owner of 'Dhaka Fish Market', manages a large empire of clubs in the city, including:

* Scrabble: At this club, you have to correctly spell the name of the drink before you can buy it. (Note: FOB Indians are permitted to spell Vodka as 'Wodka'. Your Vellkum.)

* Neighbor: This club is built adjacent to world-famous Pacha. Come hear the muffled sound of the world's top DJs through a plywood wall.

* Club Nineteenth Amendment: Cover charge at this club is a differential tarriff. Ladies pay $5. Guys are beaten.

* Mowgli: This club specializes in Jungle and Drum & Bass music. At random times during the day, wild red pandas are released onto the dance floor. Co-owned by Jeff Corwin of the Animal Planet.

* Shawshank: Good luck getting out of this place. Violates all fire safety codes known to man.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

World's Worst Boss

Seen below are photos of two of my employees, along with what I was saying to them as the photos were taken.


"Hey! Remember, I still need those comps tables by tonight!"



"You're in my chair."

Monday, April 28, 2008

New Olympic Sport

Corruption will be introduced as an Olympic sport, starting with the 2008 Summer Olympic games in Beijing, China. The International Olympic Committee decided in 2002 that only eleven nations would compete in the 2008 tournament, although twelve nations are sending teams to Beijing to compete for the team gold medal (the Sri Lankan team bribed Chinese officials).

Each nation held its own domestic tournament to select the most corrupt, dishonest, and degenerate people who would represent their country in Beijing. For example, in the Philippines, the national team tryouts involved getting stopped by a traffic policeman, and seeing who could bribe their way out of paying the ticket using the least amount of cash. The U.S. National Team consists of Dick Cheney's T-Mobile Fave 5. In India, officials simply picked up the first few people they saw.

"ESPN Play Of The Week"

The inclusion of corruption as an official Olympic event has caused the sport's popularity to skyrocket worldwide. This has been especially evident in the United States. Modeled on the And1 MixTape Basketball Tour, the Evian Corruption MixTape Tour will be traveling across North America this Summer. In each city the tour stops, it will rob the local community of their retirement funds and give money to the local Republican Party office. Currently, the players on the Evian tour include:

* Goldin Parashoot
* Kredit Derivativ
* Insidah Tradezz
* C-Mless Webb
* Halliburt Reynolds
* UChicago Dreamz
* DJ Neoclassical-Economics

Friday, April 25, 2008

Latest Celebrity Gossip

"You know, you look gorgeous today...HOOOOAAAAAH!"

Yesterday, a woman was rushed to the NY Eye & Ear Infirmary after going on a date with Al Pacino. According to the woman's family, the couple was dining at a restaurant in the Lower East Side. Pacino had tried whispering 'sweet nothings' in the woman's ear, at which point her eardrums started bleeding and she was knocked unconscious by the volume of Pacino's voice.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Vault Guide To Finance Interviews

We all want that dream job, right? The one that you really enjoy, and that also pays well. In the meanwhile, we usually look for finance jobs. In order to help you in your quest, the people at Vault have put out a guide for finance interviewing. You can check out the guide free of charge here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

CNBC Financial News Update

Breaking News: I'm an idiot.


BREAKING NEWS: S&P 500 up 12 out of the past 89 Thursdays that fall on an even- numbered date.

CNBC URGENT ALERT: China and India have lots of people.

ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION: Today is Wednesday.

CNBC NEWSBREAK: Jim Cramer gives rabies to a wild dog.

Friday, April 18, 2008

World's Worst Dad

Hi, I'm an avid reader of this blog. Just kidding. Anyway, I happened upon the column entitled 'World's Worst Boss' recently. I can really identify with the column's author, because I myself am the self-proclaimed 'World's Worst Dad'. If you don't believe me, check out the photograph below of my son, along with a quote of what I was saying to him as the photo was taken.
-Darth V.


"Hey, stop whining and go get me some coffee and donuts with sprinkles."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Employee Handbook


Several weeks ago, we reported that Bank of India, one of India's premier banks, was looking to hire for its retail banking operations. For those of you who were successful in being hired, you can check out the Bank Of India Employee Handbook here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

World's Worst Boss

Dear Analyst,

Tweet. Tweet. Do you know what that sound is? It’s the sound of the birds singing their sweet tune in my ears. Man, it’s so beautiful here in Ibiza, Spain. The sun is like a golden amulet, spreading its rays over the entire island. I wish you were here. Just kidding, I don’t.

I can’t tell where the ocean begins and the sky ends here. But I can tell you when you’re free time ends- right now. Get up off your lazy a--, I need you to build me a model by tonight. Whoa! Sorry, I just had a flashback to when I used to have your job 20 years ago. It sucked pretty bad. LOL

P.S. I wanna fight you so bad right now.

[Sent from my Blackberry handheld]

Monday, April 14, 2008

Return Of The Epic Romantic Comedy


On June 6, the epic romantic comedy 'Mongol' will be released in theaters across the U.S. 'Mongol' tells the tale of the bloody rise to power of Genghis Khan, and provides an insight into the brutality of 12th Century warfare; it is widely expected to be the feel-good movie of the year.

Critics agree that 'Mongol' is a surpisingly enjoyable romantic comedy, especially when you consider that the film was a joint-production between the nations of Germany, Russia, Kazakhstan, and Mongolia- widely considered to be the four least romantic countries on the face of the Earth.

At a special screening a few weeks ago, prominent figures in the Hollywood rom-com scene had good things to say about 'Mongol'. Acclaimed director Rob Reiner remarked that the film was "...shocking", and "...I tried to escape from my seat multiple times." Jon Cusack stood up during the middle of the movie and awkwardly held a boombox in the air. Meg Ryan, often regarded as the 'Queen of Romantic Comedies', collapsed due to shock when she saw the film.


Jon Cusack awkwardly applauds 'Mongol' during a special screening.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Entertainment News: Casting For Hobbit Film Begins












Above Left: Michael Clarke Duncan; Above Right: Bilbo Baggins with nephew.


The latest rumors from Hollywood indicate that Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile, The Whole Nine Yards) has been cast by Director Peter Jackson for the title role in the film The Hobbit. When asked to comment on the rumors, Duncan told reporters, “…well, my nickname in high school was Bilbo Baggins, so this is pretty cool.”

Production is slated to begin next year, although reports are already indicating that ‘The Hobbit’ will be the most expensive movie ever made. The estimated cost of constructing the elaborate sets in the movie is put at $15 million, while the actors’ salaries are projected to total $30 million. The sophisticated computer-generated graphics required to make Michael Clarke Duncan appear as a whimsical, hairy forest creature on-screen will most likely cost $1 Billion. As a side note, Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense) confirmed to ‘Give My Compliments To The Chef’ that he is hopeful of landing the role of Gandalf in the movie.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Etymology: "Analyst"


Above: An analyst who "can't take it anymore" goes insane.



An analyst [ān'e-lĭst] is the title of a junior employee at a financial/consulting firm. The exact origin of the word is under contention- some etymologists believe it is derived from the Sanskrit verb annalisna (“to be trapped in a cave”), while others believe the word comes from the name Al-Analyziq, a town square in medieval Damascus where twenty-two year olds would frequently gather to complain about their jobs.

Analysts first began appearing during the 11th Century in what is modern day Istanbul; traders and businessmen began dumping work on their subordinates, and then ran to the fields where they would tell jokes and eat figs. It was only around the 13th Century that it became popular to give analysts unreasonable and unnecessary work. According to a story told by famous medieval Turkish soothsayer (and former analyst) Iskubee Du, “…when I was an analyst, my first assignment was to handwrite a full report of Turkish military strength by nightfall the same day. There was only one problem- I was illiterate.”

When the concept of an 'analyst' was still in its infancy, bosses across the medieval world searched for creative ways in which they could use these talented individuals. One of the more popular tasks assigned to analysts during the 14th - 15th Centuries was taste-checking food for deadly poisons. While this practice has (for the most part) been discontinued, analysts are generally still forced to drink Flavia coffee (See separate entry below).