You're Fired...In A Good Way

Now that the U.S. Economy is in a free-fall spiral downwards, companies are looking to fire people more than ever. But what if they want to let people go, without hurting their feelings? A creative way to tell people they're fired is to tell them they've gotten a job that is entirely fictional. Here are some examples:

"Congrats, I've heard you've been hired as..."

* "...Switzerland's Army General."
* "...Hank Paulson's hair stylist."
* "...Minister of Human Rights, China."
* "...a non-racist LAPD officer."
* "...an Indian Railways bathroom cleaner."
* "...the Pakistani Prime Minister."
* "...Sarah Palin's newspaper delivery boy."
* "...a minority in the Republican Party."

McCain '08 Campaign Flyer

My friends, this is John McCain. I'm a maverick, and I have been my entire life. I was a maverick back in 1912, when my home state of Arizona was first admitted to the Union. Senator Obama, being a junior Senator from his state of Illinois, is not experienced enough to serve as Commander-in-Chief. I, on the other hand, have a proven track record of service in my state:

- Foreign Diplomacy: Involved in negotiations for the Gadsden Purchase, which resulted in the U.S. purchasing southern Arizona from Mexico in 1853.

- Environment: Stood with President Teddy Roosevelt in his push to designate the Grand Canyon area as a national park.

- Economy: Helped cotton farmers and copper miners during the Great Depression.

- Little Known Fact: Abraham Lincoln was my godson.

Breaking News: McCain Taps Zack de la Rocha As Running Mate

In a surprise development, Republican Party presidential candidate John McCain has announced that Zack de la Rocha, the lead singer of politically charged rock group ‘Rage Against The Machine’, will be his running mate during the general election campaign.

By choosing to run with de la Rocha, McCain’s strategy seems to be focused on completely alienating his core base of supporters. This was evident at a recent fundraising event for McCain at the DeMantha Senior Citizens Home in Topeka, Kansas, where Zack de la Rocha proclaimed, “Ugggh! Black flag and red star, long live the Zapatista Revolución in Chiapas, Mexico. This is for the people of the sun.“ After the fiery speech, one member of the audience gave de la Rocha a standing ovation (we later discovered he was deaf), and McCain’s campaign advisor fainted.

While political pundits view this as a highly unusual choice by McCain, this is not an unforeseen situation. Over the past year, de la Rocha’s opinion of McCain has drastically improved. On April 3, 2007, Zack de la Rocha said of McCain, “I hate John McCain.” Compare this with his interview with Reuters one week ago, where he stated, “Rally ‘round the family, with a pocket full of shells! Ugggh! John McCain, know your enemy”. Nevertheless, de la Rocha is still opposed to both NAFTA and government oppression of human rights, and these remain two significant points of difference with Republican Party stalwarts.