Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Entertainment News


Rolling Stone magazine recently reported that Trent Reznor, the frontman of heavy metal band 'Nine Inch Nails', and the country music group Dixie Chicks are joining forces to create a new band. It will be called 'Extremely Unlikely Scenario'.

Interesting Trivia: The band's name is a reference to a conversation its members had recently about the likelihood of them staying together for more than a week.

Record executives feel that the new band will cater to a very lucrative, niche segment of the music market. "There are a lot of people out there who attend Dixie Chicks concerts, and end up getting the urge to throw Molotov cocktails at law enforcement, tip portable toilets over, and vandalize public property with reckless abandon. E.U.S. will cater to these people," says Skippy "Skip" McGee of Interscope Records.

The band's first studio album will be recorded soon, and will be entitled "F--- Authority / White Roses Are Beautiful".

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Financial Crisis and Its Effect On College Recruiting

The crisis on Wall Street is being felt around the world. Its effects are especially hitting home with students at universities across the U.S., where on-campus recruiting by large investment banks has all but ceased for the current year. GMCTTC recently traveled to the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, in order to gauge the mood of students.

What we found was disturbing. The previously swank On-Campus Recruiting Office had been reduced to something like a wildlife sanctuary, with Economics majors and finance concentrators skulking around like hungry bandicoots in search of food. "I've been following a three part interview process- fit questions, brainteasers, and ending with a tranquilizer shot to the candidate's femur," said Jon Von Somson, an M.D. at Lazard and one of the few people still recruiting for finance jobs this year. As a sidenote, Mr. Von Somson is a well-known d-bag.


Students requesting a business card from a recruiter.


Stories have been circulating around campus of desperate students being driven into acts of sabotage, in order to secure jobs. As I walked along Locust Walk, I witnessed a student roll up a Financial Times newspaper and use it to shoot a poison dart at his roommate. "I've started packing up my suit and changing into it at the actual interview site. If I'm seen wearing a tie around campus, there's a 70% chance I'll be attacked by a fellow student. It's like being a minority at an LAPD Police Station," says Rodney King, a Junior at Penn.


"Dude, I wish you hadn't told me you have an interview today."

Financial Models

Moody's and S&P recently revealed the sophisticated financial models they've been using to value mortgage-backed securities (MBS):

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Paulson's New Pointman For Bailout


"The government will be investing in senior preferred stock."

Monday, October 13, 2008

South Asian Pickup Lines

Boy: Damn, girl. Eid Mubarak.
Girl: Uh, it's not Eid.
Boy: Really? Because my eyes haven't feasted on your fine self for 30 days.


Boy: Girl, you remind me of a bakra (goat) that I once milked. It was cute, and so were its kids.
Girl: (Silence)


Boy: I have a Green Card. Pick you up at 8?


Boy: Damn, you look like you need to cool off.
Girl: (Silence)
Boy: Did I mention I have running cold water from a bore well?


Boy: Hey! Your biodata is acceptable to my family. You have 3 days to respond to my proposal.


Boy: Damn girl. You look like Mahatma Gandhi. And I'm wery patriotic...


Boy: I am attended a English mediums school. Therefore, educationing is deweloped by my brain. Success. You are a smart?


Boy: Girl, show me those ankles.
Girl: I'm not a girl.
Boy: (Awkward)


Boy: Hey, you know, I'm not that into domestic wiolence as you are thinking.
Girl: (Calling the police)


Boy: Hey, infant.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Bloodbath in Korean Stock Market

The Korean stock market index, KOSPI, was down 12.6% over the last week. Equity traders were seen hoarding minerals and Vespene gas into battlecruisers.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

You're Fired...In A Good Way

Now that the U.S. Economy is in a free-fall spiral downwards, companies are looking to fire people more than ever. But what if they want to let people go, without hurting their feelings? A creative way to tell people they're fired is to tell them they've gotten a job that is entirely fictional. Here are some examples:

"Congrats, I've heard you've been hired as..."

* "...Switzerland's Army General."
* "...Hank Paulson's hair stylist."
* "...Minister of Human Rights, China."
* "...a non-racist LAPD officer."
* "...an Indian Railways bathroom cleaner."
* "...the Pakistani Prime Minister."
* "...Sarah Palin's newspaper delivery boy."
* "...a minority in the Republican Party."

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

McCain '08 Campaign Flyer


My friends, this is John McCain. I'm a maverick, and I have been my entire life. I was a maverick back in 1912, when my home state of Arizona was first admitted to the Union. Senator Obama, being a junior Senator from his state of Illinois, is not experienced enough to serve as Commander-in-Chief. I, on the other hand, have a proven track record of service in my state:

- Foreign Diplomacy: Involved in negotiations for the Gadsden Purchase, which resulted in the U.S. purchasing southern Arizona from Mexico in 1853.

- Environment: Stood with President Teddy Roosevelt in his push to designate the Grand Canyon area as a national park.

- Economy: Helped cotton farmers and copper miners during the Great Depression.

- Little Known Fact: Abraham Lincoln was my godson.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

CEO Election Campaigns

What if CEOs of Wall Street firms had to campaign for re-election to their jobs...?

The New Codetalkers

The U.S. Marine Corps recently announced it is reinstating the 'Codetalkers' program used in World Wars I and II. This time, however, instead of utilizing Native American speakers, the Marines are planning to tap a much larger group of individuals- F.O.B. Math and Physics teaching assistants.

In World War II, a code based on the Navajo language was used to communicate because Navajo is nearly impossible to learn and gain full fluency for non-native speakers, and because it is unrelated to most other languages on Earth. "...And those are pretty much the exact same reasons why we're gonna use these TA's," says Lt. General Skippy McGee.

Foreign-born Teaching Assistants are known to boggle the minds of undergraduate students at U.S. universities, with their unusual accents, creative grammatical errors, and total lack of understanding of the concept of 'personal space'. When asked to comment on his recruitment as a code-talker, University of Rhode Island Mathematics TA Rajendra Modi had this to say: "I am refused to dewelop this nature, succumbing to this, and in case, howewer to say, this country is a beetful and lowely experience. When in Rome."

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Their Photo Albums

John McCain
-- -- -- --

"Yours truly at Mississippi Debate."



"My first car."



"That was a mistake."


Sarah Palin
-- -- -- --

"My First Foreign Policy Tour."



"Debate prep."



"Biggest political opponent back home."