New Column: World's Worst Boss

Hi, I’m the worst boss on the face of the Earth. I’ve recently joined the writing staff of this blog, and I’ll be periodically updating readers on the world as seen from the perspective of the worst boss. Ever.

Seen below are photos of two of my employees, along with what I said to each of them at that moment.


"Look at me when I’m talking to you."



"Ahh, you must have just read my performance review of you."

Breaking News: McCain Taps Zack de la Rocha As Running Mate

In a surprise development, Republican Party presidential candidate John McCain has announced that Zack de la Rocha, the lead singer of politically charged rock group ‘Rage Against The Machine’, will be his running mate during the general election campaign.

By choosing to run with de la Rocha, McCain’s strategy seems to be focused on completely alienating his core base of supporters. This was evident at a recent fundraising event for McCain at the DeMantha Senior Citizens Home in Topeka, Kansas, where Zack de la Rocha proclaimed, “Ugggh! Black flag and red star, long live the Zapatista Revolución in Chiapas, Mexico. This is for the people of the sun.“ After the fiery speech, one member of the audience gave de la Rocha a standing ovation (we later discovered he was deaf), and McCain’s campaign advisor fainted.

While political pundits view this as a highly unusual choice by McCain, this is not an unforeseen situation. Over the past year, de la Rocha’s opinion of McCain has drastically improved. On April 3, 2007, Zack de la Rocha said of McCain, “I hate John McCain.” Compare this with his interview with Reuters one week ago, where he stated, “Rally ‘round the family, with a pocket full of shells! Ugggh! John McCain, know your enemy”. Nevertheless, de la Rocha is still opposed to both NAFTA and government oppression of human rights, and these remain two significant points of difference with Republican Party stalwarts.

Latest Entertainment News

MTV Networks has just announced the launch of a new channel, RSTV (‘Reality Show Television’). The daily programming breakdown on RSTV will be as follows:

~ 23 hours of music videos totally unrelated to the reality show genre
~ 1 hour of reality shows, shown from 3:30AM to 4:30AM

Flavia- The Café of Choice

Anyone who's ever worked in a corporate setting in America is probably familiar with Flavia. Millions of office-goers each day use Flavia's signature machine and flavor-pouches, in conjunction with their wildest imagination, to pretend that they're actually drinking coffee. I recently visited the Flavia coffee laboratory in Cambodia, and learned that the following flavors will be introduced soon:

~ Borscht
~ Success
~ Spicy Diesel
~ Partially-Hydrogenated Soybean Oil
~ Ethiopian Nightmare
~ [Insert Country With Political Instability] Decaf
~ Absynthe (Not available in the U.S.)
~ Caffeine-Induced Rage
~ Brown Water

America's Best Political Team

Raised by wolves...Nursed to adolescence by coyotes...Trusted by America.

What do you get when you combine raw canine ferocity with the inability to speak in more than one tone? Great journalism. That was CNN's thought process when they hired Wolf Blitzer in 1990. While most viewers of his show believe Blitzer to be relatively subdued in nature, it is a little known fact that CNN producers actually tranquilize him before every taping. This is in order to prevent a repeat of the infamous 1994 episode when Blitzer bit actor Gene Hackman's ankle during an interview, and then buried a bone in the CNN studios.

Wolf Blitzer will be signing copies of his biography, "The Jungle Book" by Rudyard Kipling, at the Union Square Barnes & Noble on Monday, April 7, 2008. All proceeds will benefit Wolf Blitzer's voracious appetite for medium-rare venison.

Metro-North Advertisements Revealed

This is an exclusive for "Give My Compliments To The Chef". Our inside sources within New York City's Metropolitan Transportation Authority have acquired soon-to-be-released advertisements for the Metro-North railroad. These ads are part of Metro-North's re-branding, an effort which, according to every single passenger that has ever used Metro-North, "doomed to fail".

'Roid Rage

Above: Roger Clemens unsuccessfully tries to convince reporters he does not use steroids.

In a surprise development, professional baseball player Roger Clemens attacked a man who was testing him for steroid use in a fit of rage. During a hastily organized press conference, Clemens reiterated to reporters that he has never taken performance enhancing drugs. In an unrelated incident, Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees threw a tractor across the Mississippi River.

Job Opportunity

Bank of India, one of India's premier banks, is currently looking to hire talented / well-connected individuals with a drive to succeed / disproportionately influential uncle. If you are interested, check out the recruitment brochure here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Etymology: "Raincheck"

The term "raincheck" is derived from the Middle Spanish verb rainchequar (meaning to never pay back), as in the phrase "Yo raincheqo a tu madre."

Fun Fact

According to the 2008 Sports Illustrated Almanac, the Duke University Men's Basketball team is now officially the best-paid professional sports team in the nation. According to the almanac, the Duke Basketball program "...makes the New York Yankees look like they're run by the Sisters of Charity."

Pictured below is Jon Von Somson, a High School All-American celebrating his commitment to the Duke Basketball team with his "financial aid package."

Breaking News

In a stunning development, the production of 'Lou Dobbs Tonight' has been outsourced to Balaji Telefilms in Bangalore, India. In a prepared statement, a CNN spokeswoman announced that "...while the show will retain its title and highly xenophobic slant, Lou Dobbs will be replaced as host by a random Indian dude."

Our sources have revealed that the decision to outsource production of 'Lou Dobbs Tonight' was driven primarily by the potential for cost savings. While Dobbs' annual salary was $800,000, the random Indian dude will reportedly rake in Rs. 150 and a complimentary masala chai daily.

From Zero to Hero to Zero: The Story of Fevaraju

Parthasarthy Fevaraju is a living legend. His life story is simultaneously a testament to the possibility of dreams coming true, as well as the possibility of movies causing severe emotional distress. As a self-proclaimed "superfan" of Fevaraju, I have written an extensive biography of him, which you can check out here.

Tony Blair's New Career

On June 27, 2007, Tony Blair's final term as Prime Minister of the UK ended. Many people have been wondering how The Right Honourable Mr. Blair has been occupying himself since then. I have evidence that Blair is working on a rock music album, to be released soon. Check out the album cover here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Crest Toothpaste, Circa 1537

I recently saw trailers for the film "The Other Boleyn Sister" on TV. It got me thinking- there are so many movies set in the past, with really modern, attractive-looking actors and actresses playing the roles. However, during these periods in history, people didn't look too fondly towards bathing, brushing teeth, or anything resembling personal hygiene. Adding rotting teeth, bad breath, and serious 16th-century B.O. to these historical films would make them much more interesting. So, in summary, this is what the new trailer for "The Other Boleyn Sister" should look like.




Given the unpopularity of bathing in 17th-century France, this is what Leonardo di Caprio's character from "Man In The Iron Mask" would have really looked like- with his mask off, but thick layer of facial dirt on.

Now I Know I'm In India

A visual guide to Indian-ness. Check out the PDF version here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.