World's Worst Boss

"Dude, you look pretty hungry. You should try the new Japanese place on SeamlessWeb, so delicious. By the way, it's not casual Friday."

Zagat Review: 'License To Il'

'License To Il' is the latest Korean barbecue (gogi gui) restaurant to hit Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. As with all Korean barbecue establishments, the eating experience at 'License To Il' is highlighted by diners actually grilling the meat and vegetables themselves at their tables. The restaurant's owner, Singman Rhee, mentioned that 'License To Il' differentiates itself from other Korean barbecue restaurants by offering a premium dining package, whereby diners can stay at home and prepare their own meals using their own ingredients. Then, they can wire-transfer money into Rhee's bank account, as payment for doing absolutely nothing.

As a sidenote, 'License To Il' has only one chef, who incidentally lives in Seoul, South Korea. He neither has, nor ever will, visit the restaurant.

Ratings:
--- --- --- ---
Food: * (Can vary widely from 'delicious' to 'Salmonella poisoning', depending on sobriety of your dining companions)
Service: N/A (The waiter visits your table once, to dump raw meat on it)
Decor: *** (The poster which lists all Starcraft cheat codes gives an authentic Korean feel)

Nostradamus' Diary Found

Archaeologists in Southern France have announced that they have uncovered the personal diary of famed seer Nostradamus. The author of Les Propheties, Nostrodamus is admired by many for having possessed what they believe to be the power to predict the future. However, his personal diary reveals that the man was not entirely at peace with his power. The following are excerpts from Nostrodamus' diary:

* "I was not a fan of knowing that my kids would hate me, ten years before they were even born."

* "'The Sixth Sense' and 'The Usual Suspects' sucked for me. Bruce Willis? Dude, I totally called that!"

* "...at the age of seven, I predicted that I would grow a huge, grey beard and look like a total jackass when I grew up. Unfortunately, it came true. I'm that good."

* "As a young man, I found dating to be awkward and difficult. My powers would get in the way of having normal conversations with women. For example, I recall one first date where I said to the girl, 'Hey, I know this fantastic bistro in Saint Remy, we should check it out. By the way, you're gonna die before your 25th birthday.'"

There's No Wrong Way To Eat A Reese's

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are one of the most popular chocolate candies on the market, and much of it's popularity has been generated through its popular ads. GMCTTC has recently acquired the next batch of advertisements, that are due to be released under the "How Do You Eat Your Reese's?" ad campaign.

Children's Names

New York City is a truly special place, and New Yorkers have many different ways of showing their love for the Big Apple. For some, this love takes the form of naming their daughter after a distinctive New York neighborhood. 'Parenting' magazine recently came out with its list of the best, and worst, NYC neighborhoods to name your daughter after:


Best Names
----------
1.) Astoria
2.) Chelsea
3.) Nolita

Worst Names
-----------
1.) SoHo
2.) Meatpacking District
3.) Hell's Kitchen
4.) Throgs Neck

New Guinness World Record

The Guinness World Records organization recently announced that South Africa has broken the record for the world's most concise criminal code. South Africa's criminal code consists of a single phrase, "White => Innocent". The previous record-holder was the nation of Bangladesh, whose criminal code is "Coming Soon. Good luck!"

In an unrelated development, two South African producers are planning to remake the 1999 film 'The Hurricane' (starring Denzel Washington) in Afrikaans. It will be called, 'Guilty, Guilty, Guilty'.

NYC's Hottest Club Opens To Rave Reviews

Bouncer at DFM (right) debates a cover charge with patron (left).
'Dhaka Fish Market' opened on Friday in New York City's Meatpacking District, joining the ranks of Marquis, Pink Elephant, and the city's other ultra-exclusive clubs/lounges. 'Dhaka Fish Market' was designed with the theme of an overcrowded, horrible-smelling South Asian fish market, and is expected to redefine the nightclub experience for New York's elite crowd.

The club's owner, Pidharan Sridharan, has been working tirelessly to ensure the smooth launch of his new project. "When I opened DFM, I intended for it to be exclusive. And when I say exclusive, I mean no one is allowed into the club, ever. Not even me. No human is allowed into the building."

While this may sound unusual to many readers, the city's clubgoing crowd is full of praises for 'Dhaka Fish Market'. As one irrational patron explains, "DFM is the sickest club! First of all, they don't allow anyone inside! So baller! Also, the sidewalk in front of the club is the place to see and be seen in New York. That's why you have to pay a $50 cover charge just to stand outside the club. Anyone who is anyone can be seen begging bouncers to let them in, and scraping their dignity off of the pavement."

Pidharan, a.k.a. Pedey, the owner of 'Dhaka Fish Market', manages a large empire of clubs in the city, including:

* Scrabble: At this club, you have to correctly spell the name of the drink before you can buy it. (Note: FOB Indians are permitted to spell Vodka as 'Wodka'. Your Vellkum.)

* Neighbor: This club is built adjacent to world-famous Pacha. Come hear the muffled sound of the world's top DJs through a plywood wall.

* Club Nineteenth Amendment: Cover charge at this club is a differential tarriff. Ladies pay $5. Guys are beaten.

* Mowgli: This club specializes in Jungle and Drum & Bass music. At random times during the day, wild red pandas are released onto the dance floor. Co-owned by Jeff Corwin of the Animal Planet.

* Shawshank: Good luck getting out of this place. Violates all fire safety codes known to man.

World's Worst Boss

Seen below are photos of two of my employees, along with what I was saying to them as the photos were taken.


"Hey! Remember, I still need those comps tables by tonight!"


"You're in my chair."

New Olympic Sport

Corruption will be introduced as an Olympic sport, starting with the 2008 Summer Olympic games in Beijing, China. The International Olympic Committee decided in 2002 that only eleven nations would compete in the 2008 tournament, although twelve nations are sending teams to Beijing to compete for the team gold medal (the Sri Lankan team bribed Chinese officials).

Each nation held its own domestic tournament to select the most corrupt, dishonest, and degenerate people who would represent their country in Beijing. For example, in the Philippines, the national team tryouts involved getting stopped by a traffic policeman, and seeing who could bribe their way out of paying the ticket using the least amount of cash. The U.S. National Team consists of Dick Cheney's T-Mobile Fave 5. In India, officials simply picked up the first few people they saw.

"ESPN Play Of The Week"
The inclusion of corruption as an official Olympic event has caused the sport's popularity to skyrocket worldwide. This has been especially evident in the United States. Modeled on the And1 MixTape Basketball Tour, the Evian Corruption MixTape Tour will be traveling across North America this Summer. In each city the tour stops, it will rob the local community of their retirement funds and give money to the local Republican Party office. Currently, the players on the Evian tour include:

* Goldin Parashoot
* Kredit Derivativ
* Insidah Tradezz
* C-Mless Webb
* Halliburt Reynolds
* UChicago Dreamz
* DJ Neoclassical-Economics

Latest Celebrity Gossip

"You know, you look gorgeous today...HOOOOAAAAAH!"
Yesterday, a woman was rushed to the NY Eye & Ear Infirmary after going on a date with Al Pacino. According to the woman's family, the couple was dining at a restaurant in the Lower East Side. Pacino had tried whispering 'sweet nothings' in the woman's ear, at which point her eardrums started bleeding and she was knocked unconscious by the volume of Pacino's voice.

Vault Guide To Finance Interviews

We all want that dream job, right? The one that you really enjoy, and that also pays well. In the meanwhile, we usually look for finance jobs. In order to help you in your quest, the people at Vault have put out a guide for finance interviewing. You can check out the guide free of charge here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

CNBC Financial News Update

Breaking News: I'm an idiot.

BREAKING NEWS: S&P 500 up 12 out of the past 89 Thursdays that fall on an even- numbered date.

CNBC URGENT ALERT: China and India have lots of people.

ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION: Today is Wednesday.

CNBC NEWSBREAK: Jim Cramer gives rabies to a wild dog.

World's Worst Dad

Hi, I'm an avid reader of this blog. Just kidding. Anyway, I happened upon the column entitled 'World's Worst Boss' recently. I can really identify with the column's author, because I myself am the self-proclaimed 'World's Worst Dad'. If you don't believe me, check out the photograph below of my son, along with a quote of what I was saying to him as the photo was taken.

-Darth V.

"Hey, stop whining and go get me some coffee and donuts with sprinkles."

Employee Handbook

Several weeks ago, we reported that Bank of India, one of India's premier banks, was looking to hire for its retail banking operations. For those of you who were successful in being hired, you can check out the Bank Of India Employee Handbook here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

World's Worst Boss

Dear Analyst,

Tweet. Tweet. Do you know what that sound is? It’s the sound of the birds singing their sweet tune in my ears. Man, it’s so beautiful here in Ibiza, Spain. The sun is like a golden amulet, spreading its rays over the entire island. I wish you were here. Just kidding, I don’t.

I can’t tell where the ocean begins and the sky ends here. But I can tell you when you’re free time ends- right now. Get up off your lazy a--, I need you to build me a model by tonight. Whoa! Sorry, I just had a flashback to when I used to have your job 20 years ago. It sucked pretty bad. LOL

P.S. I wanna fight you so bad right now.

[Sent from my Blackberry handheld]

Return Of The Epic Romantic Comedy

On June 6, the epic romantic comedy 'Mongol' will be released in theaters across the U.S. 'Mongol' tells the tale of the bloody rise to power of Genghis Khan, and provides an insight into the brutality of 12th Century warfare; it is widely expected to be the feel-good movie of the year.

Critics agree that 'Mongol' is a surpisingly enjoyable romantic comedy, especially when you consider that the film was a joint-production between the nations of Germany, Russia, Kazakhstan, and Mongolia- widely considered to be the four least romantic countries on the face of the Earth.

At a special screening a few weeks ago, prominent figures in the Hollywood rom-com scene had good things to say about 'Mongol'. Acclaimed director Rob Reiner remarked that the film was "...shocking", and "...I tried to escape from my seat multiple times." Jon Cusack stood up during the middle of the movie and awkwardly held a boombox in the air. Meg Ryan, often regarded as the 'Queen of Romantic Comedies', collapsed due to shock when she saw the film.


Jon Cusack awkwardly applauds 'Mongol' during a special screening.

Entertainment News: Casting For Hobbit Film Begins

Above Left: Michael Clarke Duncan; Above Right: Bilbo Baggins with nephew.


The latest rumors from Hollywood indicate that Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile, The Whole Nine Yards) has been cast by Director Peter Jackson for the title role in the film The Hobbit. When asked to comment on the rumors, Duncan told reporters, “…well, my nickname in high school was Bilbo Baggins, so this is pretty cool.”

Production is slated to begin next year, although reports are already indicating that ‘The Hobbit’ will be the most expensive movie ever made. The estimated cost of constructing the elaborate sets in the movie is put at $15 million, while the actors’ salaries are projected to total $30 million. The sophisticated computer-generated graphics required to make Michael Clarke Duncan appear as a whimsical, hairy forest creature on-screen will most likely cost $1 Billion. As a side note, Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense) confirmed to ‘Give My Compliments To The Chef’ that he is hopeful of landing the role of Gandalf in the movie.

Etymology: "Analyst"

Above: An analyst who "can't take it anymore" goes insane.


An analyst [ān'e-lĭst] is the title of a junior employee at a financial/consulting firm. The exact origin of the word is under contention- some etymologists believe it is derived from the Sanskrit verb annalisna (“to be trapped in a cave”), while others believe the word comes from the name Al-Analyziq, a town square in medieval Damascus where twenty-two year olds would frequently gather to complain about their jobs.

Analysts first began appearing during the 11th Century in what is modern day Istanbul; traders and businessmen began dumping work on their subordinates, and then ran to the fields where they would tell jokes and eat figs. It was only around the 13th Century that it became popular to give analysts unreasonable and unnecessary work. According to a story told by famous medieval Turkish soothsayer (and former analyst) Iskubee Du, “…when I was an analyst, my first assignment was to handwrite a full report of Turkish military strength by nightfall the same day. There was only one problem- I was illiterate.”

When the concept of an 'analyst' was still in its infancy, bosses across the medieval world searched for creative ways in which they could use these talented individuals. One of the more popular tasks assigned to analysts during the 14th - 15th Centuries was taste-checking food for deadly poisons. While this practice has (for the most part) been discontinued, analysts are generally still forced to drink Flavia coffee (See separate entry below).

New Column: World's Worst Boss

Hi, I’m the worst boss on the face of the Earth. I’ve recently joined the writing staff of this blog, and I’ll be periodically updating readers on the world as seen from the perspective of the worst boss. Ever.

Seen below are photos of two of my employees, along with what I said to each of them at that moment.


"Look at me when I’m talking to you."



"Ahh, you must have just read my performance review of you."

Breaking News: McCain Taps Zack de la Rocha As Running Mate

In a surprise development, Republican Party presidential candidate John McCain has announced that Zack de la Rocha, the lead singer of politically charged rock group ‘Rage Against The Machine’, will be his running mate during the general election campaign.

By choosing to run with de la Rocha, McCain’s strategy seems to be focused on completely alienating his core base of supporters. This was evident at a recent fundraising event for McCain at the DeMantha Senior Citizens Home in Topeka, Kansas, where Zack de la Rocha proclaimed, “Ugggh! Black flag and red star, long live the Zapatista Revolución in Chiapas, Mexico. This is for the people of the sun.“ After the fiery speech, one member of the audience gave de la Rocha a standing ovation (we later discovered he was deaf), and McCain’s campaign advisor fainted.

While political pundits view this as a highly unusual choice by McCain, this is not an unforeseen situation. Over the past year, de la Rocha’s opinion of McCain has drastically improved. On April 3, 2007, Zack de la Rocha said of McCain, “I hate John McCain.” Compare this with his interview with Reuters one week ago, where he stated, “Rally ‘round the family, with a pocket full of shells! Ugggh! John McCain, know your enemy”. Nevertheless, de la Rocha is still opposed to both NAFTA and government oppression of human rights, and these remain two significant points of difference with Republican Party stalwarts.

Latest Entertainment News

MTV Networks has just announced the launch of a new channel, RSTV (‘Reality Show Television’). The daily programming breakdown on RSTV will be as follows:

~ 23 hours of music videos totally unrelated to the reality show genre
~ 1 hour of reality shows, shown from 3:30AM to 4:30AM

Flavia- The Café of Choice

Anyone who's ever worked in a corporate setting in America is probably familiar with Flavia. Millions of office-goers each day use Flavia's signature machine and flavor-pouches, in conjunction with their wildest imagination, to pretend that they're actually drinking coffee. I recently visited the Flavia coffee laboratory in Cambodia, and learned that the following flavors will be introduced soon:

~ Borscht
~ Success
~ Spicy Diesel
~ Partially-Hydrogenated Soybean Oil
~ Ethiopian Nightmare
~ [Insert Country With Political Instability] Decaf
~ Absynthe (Not available in the U.S.)
~ Caffeine-Induced Rage
~ Brown Water

America's Best Political Team

Raised by wolves...Nursed to adolescence by coyotes...Trusted by America.

What do you get when you combine raw canine ferocity with the inability to speak in more than one tone? Great journalism. That was CNN's thought process when they hired Wolf Blitzer in 1990. While most viewers of his show believe Blitzer to be relatively subdued in nature, it is a little known fact that CNN producers actually tranquilize him before every taping. This is in order to prevent a repeat of the infamous 1994 episode when Blitzer bit actor Gene Hackman's ankle during an interview, and then buried a bone in the CNN studios.

Wolf Blitzer will be signing copies of his biography, "The Jungle Book" by Rudyard Kipling, at the Union Square Barnes & Noble on Monday, April 7, 2008. All proceeds will benefit Wolf Blitzer's voracious appetite for medium-rare venison.

Metro-North Advertisements Revealed

This is an exclusive for "Give My Compliments To The Chef". Our inside sources within New York City's Metropolitan Transportation Authority have acquired soon-to-be-released advertisements for the Metro-North railroad. These ads are part of Metro-North's re-branding, an effort which, according to every single passenger that has ever used Metro-North, "doomed to fail".

'Roid Rage

Above: Roger Clemens unsuccessfully tries to convince reporters he does not use steroids.

In a surprise development, professional baseball player Roger Clemens attacked a man who was testing him for steroid use in a fit of rage. During a hastily organized press conference, Clemens reiterated to reporters that he has never taken performance enhancing drugs. In an unrelated incident, Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees threw a tractor across the Mississippi River.

Job Opportunity

Bank of India, one of India's premier banks, is currently looking to hire talented / well-connected individuals with a drive to succeed / disproportionately influential uncle. If you are interested, check out the recruitment brochure here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Etymology: "Raincheck"

The term "raincheck" is derived from the Middle Spanish verb rainchequar (meaning to never pay back), as in the phrase "Yo raincheqo a tu madre."

Fun Fact

According to the 2008 Sports Illustrated Almanac, the Duke University Men's Basketball team is now officially the best-paid professional sports team in the nation. According to the almanac, the Duke Basketball program "...makes the New York Yankees look like they're run by the Sisters of Charity."

Pictured below is Jon Von Somson, a High School All-American celebrating his commitment to the Duke Basketball team with his "financial aid package."

Breaking News

In a stunning development, the production of 'Lou Dobbs Tonight' has been outsourced to Balaji Telefilms in Bangalore, India. In a prepared statement, a CNN spokeswoman announced that "...while the show will retain its title and highly xenophobic slant, Lou Dobbs will be replaced as host by a random Indian dude."

Our sources have revealed that the decision to outsource production of 'Lou Dobbs Tonight' was driven primarily by the potential for cost savings. While Dobbs' annual salary was $800,000, the random Indian dude will reportedly rake in Rs. 150 and a complimentary masala chai daily.

From Zero to Hero to Zero: The Story of Fevaraju

Parthasarthy Fevaraju is a living legend. His life story is simultaneously a testament to the possibility of dreams coming true, as well as the possibility of movies causing severe emotional distress. As a self-proclaimed "superfan" of Fevaraju, I have written an extensive biography of him, which you can check out here.

Tony Blair's New Career

On June 27, 2007, Tony Blair's final term as Prime Minister of the UK ended. Many people have been wondering how The Right Honourable Mr. Blair has been occupying himself since then. I have evidence that Blair is working on a rock music album, to be released soon. Check out the album cover here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Crest Toothpaste, Circa 1537

I recently saw trailers for the film "The Other Boleyn Sister" on TV. It got me thinking- there are so many movies set in the past, with really modern, attractive-looking actors and actresses playing the roles. However, during these periods in history, people didn't look too fondly towards bathing, brushing teeth, or anything resembling personal hygiene. Adding rotting teeth, bad breath, and serious 16th-century B.O. to these historical films would make them much more interesting. So, in summary, this is what the new trailer for "The Other Boleyn Sister" should look like.




Given the unpopularity of bathing in 17th-century France, this is what Leonardo di Caprio's character from "Man In The Iron Mask" would have really looked like- with his mask off, but thick layer of facial dirt on.

Now I Know I'm In India

A visual guide to Indian-ness. Check out the PDF version here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.