Another Blog

The author of 'Give My Compliments To The Chef', along with one of his arch enemies, has started a blog about current events and news called 'The Unintelligencer'. Check it out here.

CleanTech Update

Breaking News: In a bid to offset thousands of tonnes of emissions each year, the EPA is considering shutting down all 5,800 Taco Bell locations in the U.S. and banning bean burritos from all restaurants. According to an EPA spokesman, this would result "...in the drastic reduction of CO2, NOx, Methane, and lost productivity due to loose bowels."

Rural Hip-Hop in India

A new musical trend has emerged in India recently- that of farmers using rap and hip-hop to put their frustrations into verse. One such rap artist from the Nellore district of Andhra Pradesh is Somaraju. Personally discovered by gangster rap fanatic (and President of the World Bank) Robert Zoellick, Somaraju goes by the alias "LLBS", or "Ladies Love Brown Sugar". Check out the album cover of his latest release here. You have to right click and "Save As" to view the file, just clicking the link won't work.

Election 2009: India

Every five years, the world’s largest democratic exercise gets underway in India, in the form of a nationwide General Election. A multitude of national, regional, and communal parties are vying for votes this year; we examine the political parties competing in the western state of Rajasthan, and provide a brief summary of each party’s platform.

Main Contenders

* People’s Honesty Party (PHP)

The PHP is running with the promise of being honest with voters about their true intentions. On the campaign trail, PHP politicians are frequently seen stealing food from poor people, and using school textbooks as toilet paper, claiming that “...this is the type of behavior you can expect from us.” This brutal honesty seems to be appreciated by voters, who are used to being lied to by politicos.

Slogan: “Honestly, we hate you. Still vote for us, please.”


* Communist Party of India (CPI)

The Communist Party of India is focusing on targeting “green” minded voters during the election, with their heavily environment-friendly policies. CPI is promising that India’s greenhouse emissions will never increase, as it plans on implementing crappy economic policies to promote economic stagnation.

Slogan: “Let’s protect India’s wildlife...because you will be living like them soon.”


* Knowledge Party (KP)

This party is specifically targeting illiterate voters.

Slogan: “☀☁☂♥✈”


* National Alliance (NA)

The NA is running on a platform based on elimination of corruption in India’s government. NA has a storied history of being recognized as an uncorrupt organization. For the past five years, the party bribed Election Commission officials into naming it the “Least Corrupt Political Party in India”.

Slogan: “Together, we can get rid of corruption in India. lol jk”


* Chappal Party (CP)

The Chappal Party is unique in having a truly dynamic party platform. Based on the current political mood, the CP will totally alter their perspectives on life. For example, in April 2004, the party organized a riot against foreign investment in India. In May 2004, the party organized a protest demanding more foreign investment in India. In June 2004, the party simply organized a general riot, using extremely confused supporters who had no idea what they stood for anymore.

Slogan: “We are confused, and you are dumb. Let’s work something out.”

Snickers Ad Campaign: First Drafts

The recently launched Snickers ad campaign, featuring common words and phrases twisted to incorporate chocolate-related terms, has been a resounding success. However, it took several tries before the ad agency actually got it right. GMCTTC has acquired the first few ad samples of the campaign, which for obvious reasons did not make it to the final set.

International Etiquette

How to ask "Are you hungry?" in different countries:

* Are you willing to bribe the chef? (Philippines)

* You want a goat in your stomach? (Afghanistan)

* Do you believe in magic? (Bangladesh)

* Do you want to get drunk? (Russia)

* Would you like some borderline inedible s***? (England)

* Do you work at Citigroup? (United States)

A Glimmer of Hope- Indonesia

Amidst the global economic meltdown, the world's fourth most populous nation, Indonesia's economy has not altered its course. As the country's Finance Minister stated eloquently in a recent interview, "Indonesia is a land of diveristy. You can bribe public officials in so many ways, I cannot even describe to you. Prior to the global recession, Indonesia's economy was highlighted by stale business practices, poor government regulation, non-existent investor safeguards, and, occassionally, riots in the streets. Nothing much has changed since then."


The ultra-wealthy in Jakarta have benefitted most from the country's resilience.

During the interview, the Minister also boasted about his nation's high tolerance for inflation. "Indonesia has done for inflation, what the Irish have done for drinking. We have such a high tolerance for it We're @$#% awesome at it. I personally try to maintain the country's inflation rate and my son's SAT score at the same level. It has made the lines move a lot faster at supermarkets, because if the line is too long, you might not be able to afford your purchase by the time you get to the cashier."


The Minister had some harsh words for the United States' handling of the current crisis, commenting that "...in America, subprime mortgages are a controversial topic. In my country, I have never even heard of such a thing as a prime mortgage. When you give a load to a dude living amidst a pack of Komodo dragons, you pretty much have to write that #$@% off."

FCB (Financial Crisis Bride) Magazine

Your wedding day is a special day, and you've been planning it in your mind for years. Don't let the prospect of global economic collapse deter you from tying the knot. Finally, there's a magazine for those who get hitched, and do it on the cheap. Here are some pointers:

* Gift Registry at MTA ticket booth.

* It's never too late to dust off your old prom dress.

* No need to hire a DJ- use your iPod shuffle. You may have to wait a while for "your song" to come up on the randomly generated playlist.

* A popular money-saving strategy is to estrange your entire family prior to the wedding, which can reduce your guest count by as much as 85%.

* Instead of hiring an expensive caterer to provide food for your wedding, set up placards with statistics about the number of starving children in the world and fast facts about infamous famines. Your guests will not only forget about their anger at not being fed, they will experience an intense feeling of guilt. You will of course have a 'donations jar' available, so that they can give towards the cause of stopping global hunger (i.e. your new Dark Knight Blu-Ray).

* Location, location, location. It's as important for a wedding as it is for a store. That's why we recommend having your wedding in a store, preferrably an upscale department store like Bergdorf Goodman or Bloomingdale's. The store is already decorated free of charge. For an added bonus, you can hold your ceremony in the fitting rooms; that way, you and your bridesmaids can "try on" dresses during a "mock" wedding.

* The memories of this day will last a lifetime. Take your wedding photos at an Apple store, where you can ask the helpful staff to "show you how the MacBook camera works", and ask them to "demonstrate the e-mail pictures feature."

Trash Talkin' World Leaders

Obama's Next Appointment

In the latest news from Washington, D.C., President Obama has appointed action-star Wesley Snipes as his National Security Advisor. Analysts say this move was not altogether unexpected, with the President insisting that "...Mr. Snipes has been on my radar for a possible cabinet position ever since he was arrested for tax evasion."

When asked to comment on the possible appointment of Snipes, Tom Daschle responded, "I don't pay taxes, I don't play those games. I'm Tom Daschle. T.D., Touchdown." Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner simply grinned like an idiot.


"The two things that are certain in life are death, and me kicking your ass."

As Seen On TV

An exciting innovation in the insurance market- wedding ring insurance! If she says 'no', at least you won't be a broke loser.

World's Worst Pickup Lines

"I won't let go of you, baby."

"I'll take you on a ride you'll never forget."

"Girl, you're like family to me."

Entertainment News

Rolling Stone magazine recently reported that Trent Reznor, the frontman of heavy metal band 'Nine Inch Nails', and the country music group Dixie Chicks are joining forces to create a new band. It will be called 'Extremely Unlikely Scenario'.

Interesting Trivia: The band's name is a reference to a conversation its members had recently about the likelihood of them staying together for more than a week.

Record executives feel that the new band will cater to a very lucrative, niche segment of the music market. "There are a lot of people out there who attend Dixie Chicks concerts, and end up getting the urge to throw Molotov cocktails at law enforcement, tip portable toilets over, and vandalize public property with reckless abandon. E.U.S. will cater to these people," says Skippy "Skip" McGee of Interscope Records.

The band's first studio album will be recorded soon, and will be entitled "F--- Authority / White Roses Are Beautiful".

The Financial Crisis and Its Effect On College Recruiting

The crisis on Wall Street is being felt around the world. Its effects are especially hitting home with students at universities across the U.S., where on-campus recruiting by large investment banks has all but ceased for the current year. GMCTTC recently traveled to the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, in order to gauge the mood of students.

What we found was disturbing. The previously swank On-Campus Recruiting Office had been reduced to something like a wildlife sanctuary, with Economics majors and finance concentrators skulking around like hungry bandicoots in search of food. "I've been following a three part interview process- fit questions, brainteasers, and ending with a tranquilizer shot to the candidate's femur," said Jon Von Somson, an M.D. at Lazard and one of the few people still recruiting for finance jobs this year. As a sidenote, Mr. Von Somson is a well-known d-bag.


Students requesting a business card from a recruiter.

Stories have been circulating around campus of desperate students being driven into acts of sabotage, in order to secure jobs. As I walked along Locust Walk, I witnessed a student roll up a Financial Times newspaper and use it to shoot a poison dart at his roommate. "I've started packing up my suit and changing into it at the actual interview site. If I'm seen wearing a tie around campus, there's a 70% chance I'll be attacked by a fellow student. It's like being a minority at an LAPD Police Station," says Rodney King, a Junior at Penn.


"Dude, I wish you hadn't told me you have an interview today."

Financial Models

Moody's and S&P recently revealed the sophisticated financial models they've been using to value mortgage-backed securities (MBS):

Paulson's New Pointman For Bailout

"The government will be investing in senior preferred stock."

South Asian Pickup Lines

Boy: Damn, girl. Eid Mubarak.
Girl: Uh, it's not Eid.
Boy: Really? Because my eyes haven't feasted on your fine self for 30 days.


Boy: Girl, you remind me of a bakra (goat) that I once milked. It was cute, and so were its kids.
Girl: (Silence)


Boy: I have a Green Card. Pick you up at 8?


Boy: Damn, you look like you need to cool off.
Girl: (Silence)
Boy: Did I mention I have running cold water from a bore well?


Boy: Hey! Your biodata is acceptable to my family. You have 3 days to respond to my proposal.


Boy: Damn girl. You look like Mahatma Gandhi. And I'm wery patriotic...


Boy: I am attended a English mediums school. Therefore, educationing is deweloped by my brain. Success. You are a smart?


Boy: Girl, show me those ankles.
Girl: I'm not a girl.
Boy: (Awkward)


Boy: Hey, you know, I'm not that into domestic wiolence as you are thinking.
Girl: (Calling the police)


Boy: Hey, infant.

Bloodbath in Korean Stock Market

The Korean stock market index, KOSPI, was down 12.6% over the last week. Equity traders were seen hoarding minerals and Vespene gas into battlecruisers.

You're Fired...In A Good Way

Now that the U.S. Economy is in a free-fall spiral downwards, companies are looking to fire people more than ever. But what if they want to let people go, without hurting their feelings? A creative way to tell people they're fired is to tell them they've gotten a job that is entirely fictional. Here are some examples:

"Congrats, I've heard you've been hired as..."

* "...Switzerland's Army General."
* "...Hank Paulson's hair stylist."
* "...Minister of Human Rights, China."
* "...a non-racist LAPD officer."
* "...an Indian Railways bathroom cleaner."
* "...the Pakistani Prime Minister."
* "...Sarah Palin's newspaper delivery boy."
* "...a minority in the Republican Party."

McCain '08 Campaign Flyer

My friends, this is John McCain. I'm a maverick, and I have been my entire life. I was a maverick back in 1912, when my home state of Arizona was first admitted to the Union. Senator Obama, being a junior Senator from his state of Illinois, is not experienced enough to serve as Commander-in-Chief. I, on the other hand, have a proven track record of service in my state:

- Foreign Diplomacy: Involved in negotiations for the Gadsden Purchase, which resulted in the U.S. purchasing southern Arizona from Mexico in 1853.

- Environment: Stood with President Teddy Roosevelt in his push to designate the Grand Canyon area as a national park.

- Economy: Helped cotton farmers and copper miners during the Great Depression.

- Little Known Fact: Abraham Lincoln was my godson.

CEO Election Campaigns

What if CEOs of Wall Street firms had to campaign for re-election to their jobs...?

The New Codetalkers

The U.S. Marine Corps recently announced it is reinstating the 'Codetalkers' program used in World Wars I and II. This time, however, instead of utilizing Native American speakers, the Marines are planning to tap a much larger group of individuals- F.O.B. Math and Physics teaching assistants.

In World War II, a code based on the Navajo language was used to communicate because Navajo is nearly impossible to learn and gain full fluency for non-native speakers, and because it is unrelated to most other languages on Earth. "...And those are pretty much the exact same reasons why we're gonna use these TA's," says Lt. General Skippy McGee.

Foreign-born Teaching Assistants are known to boggle the minds of undergraduate students at U.S. universities, with their unusual accents, creative grammatical errors, and total lack of understanding of the concept of 'personal space'. When asked to comment on his recruitment as a code-talker, University of Rhode Island Mathematics TA Rajendra Modi had this to say: "I am refused to dewelop this nature, succumbing to this, and in case, howewer to say, this country is a beetful and lowely experience. When in Rome."

Their Photo Albums

John McCain
-- -- -- --

"Yours truly at Mississippi Debate."


"My first car."


"That was a mistake."

Sarah Palin
-- -- -- --

"My First Foreign Policy Tour."


"Debate prep."


"Biggest political opponent back home."

Another One Bites The Dust...

This Month's Issue

Can You Tell The Difference, Yaar?

In a modern-day political twist to the Coke-Pepsi taste test, GMCTTC is holding a contest, "Can You Tell The Difference, Yaar?" In the picture below, one of the men is Indian, while the other is Pakistani. If you can tell which one is which, you'll win a one way flight to either Karachi (Pakistan) or Mumbai (India). It doesn't really matter which one, because either way you'll get diarrhea, robbed, molested on a bus, and stared at by smelly South Asian dudes.

New Bank Advertisements

Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley recently announced they had filed applications to commence commercial banking operations. In order to promote their new retail bank services, the firms are releasing the following ads:

Sarah Palin at the United Nations

"Hi, are you the Prime Minister of India?"

The Awengers

Marvel Comics has recently announced the creation of an India-specific superhero gang, "The Awengers", on which a new comic book series will be based. The group, which is loosely based on the popular "Avengers" superhero gang, is composed of the following characters:

* Rickshaw-wallah- Getting into his autorickshaw is a deadly mistake for foes...as well as friends.

* Green Goblin- He has a Green Card. Enough said.

* MBBS Woman- She's a doctor, which makes her a superhero by default in South Asian society.

* Indian Railways Bathroom Cleaner- His job title doesn't exist, so he has lots of free time to strategize and plan the group's next move.

* Polly Tix- She's a politician, and her superpower is corruption. She actually bribed her mother to go into labor two weeks later than scheduled, just so she could chill in the womb for a while.

Marvel Comics reportedly thought about adding a sixth member of the Awengers, "Viviacious Vivender", whose superpower was reported to be the ability to pronounce the letter 'V'. Unfortunately, Marvel artists felt this was too unrealistic to be beliewable.

World's Worst Pickup Lines

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

"Those are beautiful earrings. Do you mind if I take a closer look?"

'The Incredible Hulk' Finishes Weekend As #1 Movie

This is Jason Giambi's second major film role, after 1998's "Godzilla".
Marvel Studios' latest film, 'The Incredible Hulk', ruled the domestic box office this past weekend, pulling in over $55 million in ticket sales. While audiences have been impressed by the apparent "computer generated effects" in 'The Incredible Hulk', Marvel Studios CEO Michael Helfant let GMCTTC in on a little secret. "While Bruce Banner in human form was played by Ed Norton, for all of the scenes with the Hulk character, we simply brought in Jason Giambi from the New York Yankees, and spray-painted his body green," says Helfant. According to sources inside Marvel Studios, Roger Clemens also auditioned for the role of the Hulk. When Clemens learned that Giambi had gotten the part, he allegedly ripped a Giant Sequoia tree out of the ground in anger.

New Law School Opens in D.C.

This week, the Ariel Sharon School of Human Rights Law was officially opened in Washington, D.C. The school (Accreditations: Indian Police Service, The Office of Dick Cheney) is currently accepting applications for its Class of 2011. A preliminary list of classes being offered is provided below:

* I Also Have A Dream: Why Rodney King Was Guilty- Fmr. Detective Mark Fuhrman

* Habeas Corpus and Other Optional Rules- Fmr. Attorney General John Ashcroft

* Modern Day Fiction: From 'Geneva Convention' to Michael Crichton

* A History of Legal Philosophy- Fmr. South African Minister of Law & Order Adriaan Vlok (There will be assigned seating)

* Field Trip to Guantanamo Bay- 18 spots available (Only 7 for the return trip)

* Introduction to Art- Final project: Making a doormat using the UN Declaration of Human Rights

* Gender Equality & Women's Rights- Mike Tyson (Summer '08) / Ike Turner (Fall '08)

Politician Lauded For Honest Campaigning

In the Muzaffarpur district of Bihar, India, a man has gained immense popularity for running a political campaign based on honesty. In a political scene where deception and lies are the norm rather than the exception, B.S. Crapwallah has emerged as a shining beacon of hope for the people of his district. While running for the local parliamentary seat, Crapwallah has communicated the truth to voters, instead of simply stating what he knows voters will want to hear. The following are copies of Crapwallah's campaign posters, which can be found plastered on walls, buildings, and hospital beds throughout the Muzaffarpur district:

World's Worst Boss

"Dude, you look pretty hungry. You should try the new Japanese place on SeamlessWeb, so delicious. By the way, it's not casual Friday."

Zagat Review: 'License To Il'

'License To Il' is the latest Korean barbecue (gogi gui) restaurant to hit Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. As with all Korean barbecue establishments, the eating experience at 'License To Il' is highlighted by diners actually grilling the meat and vegetables themselves at their tables. The restaurant's owner, Singman Rhee, mentioned that 'License To Il' differentiates itself from other Korean barbecue restaurants by offering a premium dining package, whereby diners can stay at home and prepare their own meals using their own ingredients. Then, they can wire-transfer money into Rhee's bank account, as payment for doing absolutely nothing.

As a sidenote, 'License To Il' has only one chef, who incidentally lives in Seoul, South Korea. He neither has, nor ever will, visit the restaurant.

Ratings:
--- --- --- ---
Food: * (Can vary widely from 'delicious' to 'Salmonella poisoning', depending on sobriety of your dining companions)
Service: N/A (The waiter visits your table once, to dump raw meat on it)
Decor: *** (The poster which lists all Starcraft cheat codes gives an authentic Korean feel)

Nostradamus' Diary Found

Archaeologists in Southern France have announced that they have uncovered the personal diary of famed seer Nostradamus. The author of Les Propheties, Nostrodamus is admired by many for having possessed what they believe to be the power to predict the future. However, his personal diary reveals that the man was not entirely at peace with his power. The following are excerpts from Nostrodamus' diary:

* "I was not a fan of knowing that my kids would hate me, ten years before they were even born."

* "'The Sixth Sense' and 'The Usual Suspects' sucked for me. Bruce Willis? Dude, I totally called that!"

* "...at the age of seven, I predicted that I would grow a huge, grey beard and look like a total jackass when I grew up. Unfortunately, it came true. I'm that good."

* "As a young man, I found dating to be awkward and difficult. My powers would get in the way of having normal conversations with women. For example, I recall one first date where I said to the girl, 'Hey, I know this fantastic bistro in Saint Remy, we should check it out. By the way, you're gonna die before your 25th birthday.'"

There's No Wrong Way To Eat A Reese's

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are one of the most popular chocolate candies on the market, and much of it's popularity has been generated through its popular ads. GMCTTC has recently acquired the next batch of advertisements, that are due to be released under the "How Do You Eat Your Reese's?" ad campaign.

Children's Names

New York City is a truly special place, and New Yorkers have many different ways of showing their love for the Big Apple. For some, this love takes the form of naming their daughter after a distinctive New York neighborhood. 'Parenting' magazine recently came out with its list of the best, and worst, NYC neighborhoods to name your daughter after:


Best Names
----------
1.) Astoria
2.) Chelsea
3.) Nolita

Worst Names
-----------
1.) SoHo
2.) Meatpacking District
3.) Hell's Kitchen
4.) Throgs Neck

New Guinness World Record

The Guinness World Records organization recently announced that South Africa has broken the record for the world's most concise criminal code. South Africa's criminal code consists of a single phrase, "White => Innocent". The previous record-holder was the nation of Bangladesh, whose criminal code is "Coming Soon. Good luck!"

In an unrelated development, two South African producers are planning to remake the 1999 film 'The Hurricane' (starring Denzel Washington) in Afrikaans. It will be called, 'Guilty, Guilty, Guilty'.

NYC's Hottest Club Opens To Rave Reviews

Bouncer at DFM (right) debates a cover charge with patron (left).
'Dhaka Fish Market' opened on Friday in New York City's Meatpacking District, joining the ranks of Marquis, Pink Elephant, and the city's other ultra-exclusive clubs/lounges. 'Dhaka Fish Market' was designed with the theme of an overcrowded, horrible-smelling South Asian fish market, and is expected to redefine the nightclub experience for New York's elite crowd.

The club's owner, Pidharan Sridharan, has been working tirelessly to ensure the smooth launch of his new project. "When I opened DFM, I intended for it to be exclusive. And when I say exclusive, I mean no one is allowed into the club, ever. Not even me. No human is allowed into the building."

While this may sound unusual to many readers, the city's clubgoing crowd is full of praises for 'Dhaka Fish Market'. As one irrational patron explains, "DFM is the sickest club! First of all, they don't allow anyone inside! So baller! Also, the sidewalk in front of the club is the place to see and be seen in New York. That's why you have to pay a $50 cover charge just to stand outside the club. Anyone who is anyone can be seen begging bouncers to let them in, and scraping their dignity off of the pavement."

Pidharan, a.k.a. Pedey, the owner of 'Dhaka Fish Market', manages a large empire of clubs in the city, including:

* Scrabble: At this club, you have to correctly spell the name of the drink before you can buy it. (Note: FOB Indians are permitted to spell Vodka as 'Wodka'. Your Vellkum.)

* Neighbor: This club is built adjacent to world-famous Pacha. Come hear the muffled sound of the world's top DJs through a plywood wall.

* Club Nineteenth Amendment: Cover charge at this club is a differential tarriff. Ladies pay $5. Guys are beaten.

* Mowgli: This club specializes in Jungle and Drum & Bass music. At random times during the day, wild red pandas are released onto the dance floor. Co-owned by Jeff Corwin of the Animal Planet.

* Shawshank: Good luck getting out of this place. Violates all fire safety codes known to man.